Bill, a software company manager with sandy hair and bright blue eyes, first came to see me when he was 35 years old. He had been married to Anne, an attractive brunette who had been a full-time mother with their three-year-old son, Cody. After residing with Anne for five decades, Bill had lost touch with the good feelings he once felt, and that he had been getting tired of the same old pattern in their relationship.
For starters, Anne no longer seemed interested in Bill’s efforts at love. When he wanted to make love, she always appeared to have five household projects that had to be carried out. While there was a time when each would drop everything to become sexual, those days were long gone.
Bill brought home flowers after work to surprise Anne, but she scolded him, saying they could not afford to spend that sort of money while raising their son. Deep down, Bill felt hurt and angry because he had been trying to do the small things that Anne used to enjoy. But like countless men, he didn’t actually know what he was feeling apart from a general down feeling. When he felt this distress with Anne, he handled it by making impulsive humorous comments. At other times he’d spend hours on the computer, a thing that he knew she disliked, simply to get even with her.
A brick wall has been gradually moving up between the two of these, and their love was getting buried. As the wall went up, Bill started to have fantasies about being with other girls. He started going to supper with a friendly female co-worker who left Bill feel like he was appealing, important and appreciated.
Bill secretly began searching for an apartment, thinking he might want a separation. He was tired of this chronic fighting along with his wife, but each time he looked in an apartment could not help but wonder if that was what he really desired. Just considering leaving Cody made his heart as he remembered too well his own upbringing in a broken home. Bill didn’t want Cody to grow up with a dad he only saw on weekends. He wished to give him the firmness his dad never gave him, but Bill didn’t want to sacrifice his own joy. He felt conflicted and confused. See: Huntsville, ON Psychological Counselling Services & Therapy
When Bill felt lonely he ate junk food, he would binge drink (drinking alcohol with the primary intention of getting drunk ). He had been spending more money on food while he was cutting back his workouts in the fitness center. After Cody was put to bed, Bill would go out drinking with his buddies or stay up late surfing the web. As his marriage was going down the tubeschatting with women on online dating sites was his favorite pastime. This, at least, brought a bit of excitement in his life.
The press does a superior job of promoting instant gratification, and this was a problem for both Anne and Bill since it is for a substantial proportion of couples. Delayed gratification involves being able to contain and manage your emotions while listening to a spouse, and several people do not wish to tolerate this discomfort. Many people prefer instant gratification over delayed gratification, and it causes too many unions to wind up in divorce. A number of these unions could become outstanding if people could learn how to listen to their partners, ask good questions, keep their feelings on hold and delay gratification. During difficult talks with Anne, Bill was impatient and found himself moving around in circles so that he diverted himself with alcohol, junk food and web surfing rather than carrying on the challenge of creating a solid marriage. Get to know Dalton Associates here.
In fact, far too many unions and partnerships fall apart due to individuals:
1. Do not understand what they’re feeling, Distract themselves when they are feeling uncomfortable, rather than getting closer to their authentic feelings, Get exceptionally defensive and reactive during battles, and
4. Stop expressing themselves to their partners.
The effect over time is that the building of bitterness and love becomes buried. As you get to know Bill, you will find out how he had problems with each of four. Bill’s most severe problem was self-medicating his pain with alcohol, which was placing him and other people at risk. Periodically, Bill thought about seeing a relationship therapist, but he kept postponing it.
Getting Some Help He knew he was going in the wrong direction and did not wish to jeopardize his job. Bill was fair about what was happening in his union and had the emotional health to find that he was partly responsible because of his relationship issues.
He admitted to using a rebellious side, which came out of his humorous comments toward Anne and his desire to get back at her. He confessed to deliberately leaving open the relationship website window hopes that Anne would get envious. The notion of telling her that he felt hurt and wanted to get was something that never crossed his mind. It never crossed his mind because he had been only dimly conscious of these feelings, and slowly, brick by brick, he pushed away from the individual he really loved. Talk to a psychologist in Milton here.
Bill slowly opened up about getting some knowledge of a profound depression that he traced back to growing up with an alcoholic father. As a young boy, Bill remembered feeling fearful and hiding under his bed when his dad was drunk and crying. In many ways, Bill believed he had lost his father to the bottle when Bill was a preschooler. Without healthy support from his parents, Bill never heard about core feelings like grief, anger, anxiety, frustration, excitement and love/joy. Bill still remembered that pained look in her face whenever he attempted to reach out.
He also never learned to distinguish, and it is a growth process that involves learning skills and refined subsets of skills while growing up. Since Bill never learned to identify his heart feelings, it had been difficult to express everything he desired. This stifled the favorable feedback from others that could eventually help Bill find his true identity. The only way Bill would acquire essential nurturing and admiration was supposed to cater to his parents’ wants, and consequently he learned to put his feelings aside and return. Over time, this holding back drained a great deal of energy he might have used for valuable learning.
Bill started to struggle with anxiety when he was around 12 years old – he tossed and turned at night and at times just couldn’t fall asleep. Occasionally he felt as if he wanted to run away. In addition, he felt boredom and a moderate sense of depression that gradually improved through his adolescent years. Through those years, he cried for his dad to be there and encourage him, but instead, he felt lonely and needy. This could have been an ideal time for Bill to do a little bit of a relationship function.